A lot of my posts depend on my despair, heartache stories and anger at the world.
But I am no longer sad,
No longer heart broken,
Maybe just slightly angry, just not as much as before.
So what will be of this blog? God knows.
Tap Tap
It’s been two years.
Tap
I admit, there are times (mostly at night) (mostly when I’m lonely) when you would sneakily slither into my thoughts. And just rest there, leaving me bothered with multiple what-ifs, what-could-have-beens, what-would-I-redo.
Each time my fingers creep closer to my phone. If I can just be courageous enough to find your number, buried underneath all the happenings of the two years, I would send you a message. Because more than my silly hopeful heart, I am burdened with guilt.
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Guilt.
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So badly, I want to tell you that I am sorry.
If not for me, none of this mess would happen.
That it was partially my fault for allowing this to balloon into something that was unmanageable for the both of us.
Don’t be mistaken. This apology is mostly for me to clear my conscience because I am sure, this has not affected you the way it did for me. And that’s okay.
Tap
Your number is no longer on my phone.
Tap
Great.
They say I don’t talk much,
But I am constantly talking in my head,
They just don’t know that.
Hi, am I a couple years too late if I decide to attempt this whole blog-writing again? Maybe. But whose timeline are we using? Who is determining whether it’s too late other than myself?
And why, oh why do I always decide to casually write again when I have an essay due shortly?! Why do I despise writing when I actually have to?
Why am I ranting?
Why are you even reading this?
A: Hey do you know Bob?
B: Which Bob?
A: Oh , Bob. The ***** one.
B: Ahh, yes I know who you’re referring to.
I’m confused.
I’m confused about myself and I’m sure all of us has been there at some point. I’m a pessimist -if you didn’t know that about me and I’m not trying to gain any sympathy from this- so I’ve never really thought highly of myself. But what I have been relatively confident about myself is my intelligence. Not that I think I’m intelligent but I like to pride myself to think that I am a tad bit above average -I’m average or below average in everything else- in that department. And frankly, besides that, I don’t think I have anything to fall back on, no other talents, no looks, no honourable characteristics. So when I receive bad grades in school, I take it quite hard. This recently happened again, and I’m now a little lost and confused. Should I find another resource to define myself with? Is there some other hidden parts of me that I can possibly utilise? Should I just disregard grades as an indicator of my identity? I’m not convinced by any of these suggestions maybe in time I’ll come up with a good one to re-calibrate my thinking.
So, what’s yours?
What is that one thing that defines you?
Is that what you want to be known for in the first place?
Can you change how you define yourself?
And finally, who decides what defines you?
After a long break, this is what I came up with -somewhere in between sheets and dreams- on a Wednesday night.
My feelings are mine,
They should never be something you concern yourself with.
My feelings are for me,
To be entertained when I’m bored
Not for you to be burdened with guilt.
ps: Apologies, they sounded so much better in my head half asleep.
It’s the end of my third year of university. I’ve been telling that to myself repeatedly now but it has not settled in. True, I have one more year to go but it is just hard to process that this phase is actually coming to an end.
To most, university is a means to an end. You want to get into a prestigious university to ease your way when you’re entering the work force. But for me, university IS my end. I think it was when I was 8, that the idea of studying abroad came to me, after one of my family member left for Australia for uni. Starting from then, I go through each round of exams, knowing that those were all means for me to achieve my goal, which was to get into a university abroad. Now, that I’m here, I’d be lying if I say i’m not slightly clueless about what I’m going to do next. Cause i’ve done it guys, I’ve fulfilled my biggest life goal.
Third year. To sum it up, it’s the year that I lived with no regrets. I was able to enroll in a summer school program, in a good university (Peking Uni), doing a course I absolutely enjoy (Mandarin), all while being able to travel around China (Yes, I’m including China in ‘third year’). And although I’m not going to say that all my courses were enjoyable and applicable in the future -I’m referring to you, Global Justice and Citizenship- the majority of it was. Like, how cool is it to be learning about Political Islam and the Politics of Sex and Gender? The courses may sound cool, but the contents will blow you off your seats. I don’t think that any other courses have impacted my political opinion and my general view of the world as much those two have. In all honesty, before third year, I was getting sick of Politics, sick of IR and academia and all these white privileged men telling me about everything that happens in Europe and America. It’s as if no one else exists, no one else matters. And it was so tiring to the point that I really questioned my degree. Hey hey hey, not anymore, ey.
Let’s also not forget all the friends I made this year. The new people I met, who surprisingly have become relatively important subjects considering the short amount of time they have existed in my life. Not forgetting my decision to dive into the world of relationships and although I’ve closed that chapter, I must say that I don’t regret ever trying it out. Most of it due to the fact that my partner was the best person I could ever choose to do this whole romance thing but alas, I realised that having feelings for someone and committing myself to a relationship are two very different things. While I am not opposed to the prospects of being in a relationship, I am quite sceptical now that I understand more about myself, my priorities and the lengths that I would go to for a person. In the future if someone manages to change my opinion then yay, great! but if not then, yay, great!
I am pretty sure that none of this is of any interest to anyone but I must say I enjoyed writing this unstructured, unimportant, post on my life. No tutor is going to comment after each chapter, no one to correct any errors or criticise anything I say. Cause really, who knows better about my life that myself right?
Romance lives in dreams
And marriages are only ideals
Best kept in the realms of what if’s
Where its buds grow into beautiful fairytales
Pluck them out from where they should be
Expose them to the harsh realities of the world
And it withers, crippling under harsh conditions
This is a warm up exercise. I want to comeback with longer pieces and non-poop writing. Hopefully, it will come sooner than later. Cmon angst, hit me up here.