Tag Archives: reflections

This

“This is the hardest.” I say to my side, as I turn my head to look diagonally to the guy staring straight at me. I get ready myself to serve this time. A doubles game currently taking place, our eyes locked to each other. Taking a deep breath, I continue for our team.

Serve, run, smash, distract myself.

I lose the point.

“No. This, is the hardest.” He whispers to me as I walk towards the other square. Again, the guy on the other side of the net stood diagonally from me, waiting for me to be ready before he swings his racket. His look is similarly intense, focused on the game, focused on me.

He is right. This is harder, not the previous. Not having to force myself to focus on him, locking my target as I prepare myself to play, but him looking at me, in the most serious kind of ways. There is no possible way for me to escape his gaze, as if there is no net separating us, as if he is not standing halfway across the court.

I am glad that half the court away, he stands, completely oblivious to this small conversation happening. There is nothing left in me except the feeling of longing and the memories of spontaneity, fearless decisions and persistent actions.

But the worst is none of the above.

It is the fact that I am easily readable by this guy on my side, no context needed to understand the subject of my sudden comment. As close as we can be, we can never be close enough in the ways that I would have desired.

The one that got away is the one in my present, who’s standing next to me, not the guy of my past. Yet, I know for certain that it is my present who will haunt my late night thoughts years from now.

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What defines you?

A: Hey do you know Bob?

B: Which Bob?

A: Oh , Bob. The ***** one.

B: Ahh, yes I know who you’re referring to.

 

I’m confused.

I’m confused about myself and I’m sure all of us has been there at some point. I’m a pessimist -if you didn’t know that about me and I’m not trying to gain any sympathy from this- so I’ve never really thought highly of myself. But what I have been relatively confident about myself is my intelligence. Not that I think I’m intelligent but I like to pride myself to think that I am a tad bit above average -I’m average or below average in everything else- in that department.  And frankly, besides that, I don’t think I have anything to fall back on, no other talents, no looks, no honourable characteristics. So when I receive bad grades in school, I take it quite hard. This recently happened again, and I’m now a little lost and confused. Should I find another resource to define myself with? Is there some other hidden parts of me that I can possibly utilise? Should I just disregard grades as an indicator of my identity? I’m not convinced by any of these suggestions maybe in time I’ll come up with a good one to re-calibrate my thinking.

So, what’s yours?

What is that one thing that defines you?

Is that what you want to be known for in the first place?

Can you change how you define yourself?

And finally, who decides what defines you?

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Deep because I need to balance the shallow side of myself

I do not want to be ‘somebody’. To be known by everyone and be seen as an inspiration or someone worth knowing about. I am too selfish to be ‘somebody’ for the sake of people who aren’t significant to me. The billions of people who have done nothing for me, and yet I am supposed to push myself to be of importance to them. It’s not worth it. They are not worth it.

But I would do it for those I love and respect. They deserve to have someone good in their life. An obedient daughter, a reliable sibling, a trustworthy friend, a faithful partner and a humble servant.

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