I need you to know that this is not me.
I am not a collected person, with collected thoughts. Not pensive most of the time with wise words spilling out of my mouth whenever it opens.I am not who I am on any of my social networking sites, not a single one. I need to clarify that who I am on my blog is not who I am on a daily basis. My blog consists of my thoughts when they are too much to be confined within the irregular spaces of my brain. These posts are me being swallowed by my own voices in the middle of the night, threatening the midnight silence.
In real life,
I am embarrassing even to myself. I read what I have written and I cringe but I have to do myself some justice so I shut my ego up and lock it somewhere far. Because my ego will not help me improve myself, my ego is satan dressed in my own skin.
I embarrass myself everyday, I am nowhere similar to my friends and they sometimes make fun of me but we love each other too much to leave anyone behind. I make jokes that no one laughs at or even worse I laugh halfway through a joke and never finish them. I make jokes no one can relate and I can never relate to jokes that are made by others but I laugh anyway. I laugh because it is nice to laugh together with others even when you have no shit what is going on.
I say stupid things every time, things that make my friends question if i am alright. But they know me too well to know that I could never convey what I think in the most cohesive way. That what I say could never really explain how I really think. Probably the reason why most of my essays are shit. In college, a boy once said that a statement I gave was probably the stupidest thing he has ever heard. So then I guess I must be one of the stupidest person he has ever met.
I am not a friendly person. Years ago, I would be so offended if someone says I am not friendly and I would argue with them about it cause I always thought I was. But some time ago I realised that I am relatively not friendly. I am bad at small chats and I could never give a good first impression. When I made ‘being friendlier to others’ as my resolution, that’s when I understood that I am not friendly. You are not friendly if you have to tell yourself that you need to be friendlier to people.
The photos I post are rare moments when I look acceptable in the eyes of the society. Photos that people my age consider ‘cool’ I guess. I have never bothered about the likes or my followers but I must say I do want people to think of me as someone who’s calm and composed. I am not. I have not met anyone clumsier than me. I ruin things too many times that nothing surprises me anymore. I spill things like it is my hobby and get into accidents like I take pleasure in things I cannot control.
I always like to think that I am strong and independent but I am neither. Living alone does not make you independent. Being able to do things on my own does not equate to independence when you are too emotionally attached to people. When the presence of someone is more of a need than a want. I have yet to reach the level of independence I wish I could have. And if it is not obvious enough, I am far from strong. I cannot give you any instances of me being strong. That just proves it. My post on feminism? They are ideas I am too afraid too share with anyone. I cannot even stand up for my own race when my guy friends say misogynistic statements that make bile rises from my throat. Instead I smile, and mentally stab and mutilate every part of them in my brain. I am ‘that’ strong.
I am telling you now that I am a joke. I have no chill whatsoever. Not a friendly person, not even smart. I am not strong and independent or anything similar. And as much as I hate all these sides of me, I have learnt that I cannot change them, well of course I try but these are deeply ingrained flaws I could never scrub away from myself. Just because I do not post things that indicate that these sides of me exist does not mean they do not exist. They do.
I am everything I love about myself and the flaws I have successfully accepted. Who cares if anyone likes me less because of all of this, I never declared myself as someone likeable. I never started this blog for the sake of others. It was always for me.
And there you go, another negative trait I accidentally expose.
I am also selfish. Haha.