Never could I imagine that I would find anything substantial, at this place, this time, and especially with people who I’m not sure exist in real life. This filth filled place, with no trace of innocence and purity. People roaming, searching for something to fuel their desire even if it means baring themselves to complete strangers. For a period of time, I was one of them, feeding my soul with the scraps of what I thought was beneficial.
I ventured out to a novel area, one with a lower density of people. It was peaceful; although it was less fulfilling I know that being fulfilled is nothing but an illusion. That even when you’re satisfied with what you get, there’s always an echo in your brain telling you again and again you could have more, that you deserve more. More can be destructive.
Exchange of heys and hellos and questions to break the silence between us. I didn’t have any expectations but even if I had you would have no difficulties exceeding all of them. There wasn’t any awkwardness in the air. You spoke your name like you trusted me and I like to believe that you did. As smooth as the ripple of the waters was our conversation but the end had to come and I wanted to leave being unknown. To enjoy fully the moment we had and keep it safe in a dusty corner of my heart. To not know who you are and not meet you again.
The first day was always the best. The first day was always filled with hopes and dreams that everything is possible. And with every passing day, reality will prove that dreams are often impossible and that hopes will only leave you with disappointment.
You asked me what was the point of meeting a person and not continue knowing them? I explained how I love the idea of uncertainty and the feeling of trusting someone you don’t know, revealing yourself without being judged for being who you are. I never knew until now if you understood how I felt.
A guy has a gun pointed at your head. It’s for certain that he’s going to shoot you but you just don’t know when. ‘What would you do?’ you asked. Would you wait for him to choose the time for you or would you want him to shoot you there and then? You would beg for him to pull the trigger, you said. To end your life right that second because you do not want to wait for something that’s already known. As for me, I choose to wait and listen to every ticking of the clock I still had. You should know that I have thing for things that are uncertain, death included.
It couldn’t be any more obvious how different we were. We’re the complete opposite. You were the bright shining star, burning away for the world to admire, while I was the background light, people often look past. But I didn’t care, just like I didn’t care who you were, where you’re from or how you look like. I told myself that we’re friends, and with friends those details are all unimportant.
‘Are you going to pull the trigger and kill me?’ you asked when I told you I had to leave. At that moment, it hit me and I realised you didn’t ask me about the killer just to keep the conversation running. You knew I had the power to leave you with nothing of me, and you didn’t want that. And to be honest, I didn’t want that either. Talking to you was easy and it felt like you’re giving me a vibe I couldn’t explain.
My ego was adamant but the power of persuasion you had was winning the battle. My ego faltered and I gave in. Something I did quite often with you. Your e-mail amused me but I never knew the meaning behind it. Just like all the other questions I never had the chance to ask, it is left at the back of my brain waiting to be decayed and forever forgotten.
That night there was a new email in my inbox.
That night I found out that it wasn’t a vibe you were giving out. And I didn’t have to confirm it with you. Why you never said it out loud, I don’t know. Maybe you knew you were in a position where this couldn’t happen or maybe you didn’t want to scare me but it was clear,
You desired something more than uncommitted conversations, but I couldn’t say the same.