Tag Archives: family

The Iron Women (And Their Tender Hearts)

She lies next to me
On this bed for two
But I am the only one
Whose mind is present
While hers is caught between
The right swipes of the wrong app
And the running debt behind a frozen bank account
A husband she no longer calls one
And the daughter who has to carry too much

I wrap my arms around her
Frame frail and fragile
She did not fall into the trap of planning to fail
But her plans have failed her
And she is in a limbo of her unwise decisions
Between her mistakes and the ones of her loved ones
She easily forgives the wrongs that hurt her more

I spend time with her
And it seems like she is okay
But living in a house that is not a home
Torn between wanting to be a ‘good’ mom
Or one who could actually provide
Leaves her in a lose-lose situation
Forcing herself to swallow the unpleasant taste of guilt
When she sees her son and imagines every what if’s

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Hi World, I do not need for you to know me.

At a certain point of having this blog, I realised that I really wanted to be heard. I desired for my thoughts to be understood, for others to at least try to see it how I see it, regardless if they agree with me or not. But in all honesty that does not matter. I have discovered that now. That my goal was never to be understood by the world but by the few people I care enough to share what it feels like to see the world through my pair of boring, brown eyes.

Then isn’t it stupid for me to run a public blog when the obvious way to achieve what I really wanted is through personal communication? Well, I guess, but the more attached I am to someone, I find it harder to express to them my real thoughts. Especially the controversial ones I keep hidden. Also, I must say, putting my heart out on my sleeve isn’t something I am particularly good at.

Writing here is easy and between the two paths diverging ahead of me, I choose the easier one. As much as I know everyone who reads this are human, I do not put an identity on any of you, no faces attached to the views I get everyday. I am detached from you. So, I do not care what are your perceptions of me after you have done reading what I decide to tell you.

What I could do instead is maybe start a project like one of my friends have done. She writes letters to all the people around her. Despite the fact that she never sends them, it still serves the purpose: She gets her thoughts cleared up and it is kept private. Maybe I should start one as well. And maybe unlike her, I should hand them to people when I feel like the time is right. And just maybe, you might have one with your name written in block letters (cause I cannot write cursive)on a worn envelope with dog ears on two out of the four sides.

As for now, I have taken off the link of my blog from my public accounts. The only ones who have access to this blog now are people who have visited it or people who stumble upon it after being on the wordpress reader and they aren’t many of them. So now, this becomes more personal to me, well at least as personal as a public blog can get and I feel more safe writing what I feel like writing.

Ps: Also, recently I was hanging out with my sisters and I asked if they have read my blog and they told me that they had but they could not really understand what I was saying. They said it was too poetic (in a bad way). If you agree with them please tell me. I guess I sound like I am trying too hard half the time. Have I? I am not really sure myself.

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Rich husband, Poor husband

As each one of my siblings move out from our house to pursue their dreams and careers, I became my mom’s only companion. the only person she’d share stories and experiences with. Due to the fact that she had quit her job when she gave birth to me and became a full-time housewife, I used to be called mama’s handbag.

One of her early stories is how my parents were struggling financially when they first tied the knot. She’d tell me how they used to have only a small number of dining utensils. That if more people were to visit, my mom would just empty out the shelves, serve tea in whatever cup she had and just hoped that they’d understand and share teacups cause they just didn’t have the money to splurge on things. On weekdays my mom would take the bus or catch a lift with her friend to work, not having a proper vehicle of her own to travel in.

But weirdly enough, throughout all my sister’s serious relationships, financial stability is one of the important criteria that my parents looked for in my sister’s partners. And being me, I questioned that. My sisters would say “Hello, you ingat kita hidup zaman apa, nak bagi makan pasir ke to your children?” and also “Ye lah, you’re still young, you don’t know how the world works.” or “You could say that now, we’ll see nanti whether you’ll still think the same way”

I’m not disagreeing to the idea of getting a rich husband because I want to live a hard life first with whoever it is I’ll be marrying to and then gradually move up the ladder because the value of living luxuriously will be more worth it, although that is one of the reasons why. But I do not agree on the possession of an agreeable amount of money as a prerequisite of starting a family simply due to the fact that my parents and many others(discovered this through talks with my friends about their parents’ stories) have gone through it and they’ve made it. And still married! Let’s not forget that.

Generational gap here is not a legit rebuttal. What is so different about relationships today and the ones 20 years back? Besides the fact that we use technology and not snail mails to keep in touch. Do people regard their partners differently? I don’t think so. Have the roles of a husband or wife changed? Are husbands no longer considered as beings you have decided to risk your future with and be with regardless of what happens in life? Are husbands now chosen just based on how he fits your personality and has an impressive account balance. If that’s the case I think my future husband would probably be Maybank’s ATM.

However, I totally understand where my mom and sisters are coming from. Being a mother, she only wants what’s best for her kids and that includes preventing her child from digging her own grave of possible debts and living a life of poverty with god knows who. A line that has never failed in making me regret even questioning anything my mom says is “I’ve gone through all of that so that you don’t have to”. And with the end of that sentence, you know that the debate is over. She wins (every time).

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Sometimes you stop caring about things you should never stop caring about. Sometimes it just happens to be your own family.

Sometimes

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Yesterday

With one ear piece in my ear and the other hanging in front of my chest, I eavesdropped on a conversation the woman next to me had with her friend about the husband of her neighbour. (wow, if only i had a cup of teh tarik. it’d be like one of those juicy gossip evenings)

A few weeks ago, the husband was in an accident.  After being rushed to the hospital, he was informed that his medical care would be costly. He is a husband of two wives. His children from the first one are relatively successful, all of them with a stable income.The second on the other hand are all still in school. So when the news was out, the only one who was willing to help finance his bills was his 2nd wife. All his kids or wife from the earlier marriage decided to not be of any help.

He wasn’t a wealthy guy. He lived an average life with his first wife and kids. When he decided to marry another it was opposed by many parties for many reasons. To have two wives is no easy task. You first have to be financially stable and you have to be fair to both families. The inability of you to do this will result in heavy punishments in the after life. But he insisted on marrying. And eventually he did.

Mind you, this story is from a very unreliable source. I mean come one now, we all know middle aged women who gossips would most probably exaggerate more than half of the story. And this is about someone so unrelated to her, a little addition to spice the story up will not have any effect on her life. Therefore, I cannot assure you the extend of truth of this story.

Word came out that he neglected his first family and I guess this resulted in his own kids not treating him how a father should be treated. I wouldn’t blame his children. I wouldn’t blame him either. (it could be that they just didn’t have the money to pay, that’s a less-controversial reason isn’t it?. But even if this were true I don’t think she would mention it. The main objective of  gossiping is to satisfy their addiction of drama and the reason I came up with is just too average)

After listening to this story, a thought ran through my mind. Would I have done the same to my father? Would I neglect him the same way? I couldn’t say a definite NO. I had uncertainties and that scared the hell out of me.

Because not being able to say no means there’s a large possibility of me saying yes.

ps: I wrote this years ago. I can assure you the answer now would be a no with a capital ‘N’. No, make that capital everything with three exclamation marks.

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