Tag Archives: 2cents

The best feeling in the world is when you are able to stand up for yourself and fend off bullies.

There is only so much a person could take. Only so much hatred and frustration one could hold back.

It is absurd that a person does not feel safe in the confines of their own home. There is always the fear of being attacked, harassed or insulted and degraded on a daily basis.

The fight is rough, harsh shoves and raising voices but nothing beats the satisfying feeling of knowing that you can rely on yourself.

Proud.

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Hi World, I do not need for you to know me.

At a certain point of having this blog, I realised that I really wanted to be heard. I desired for my thoughts to be understood, for others to at least try to see it how I see it, regardless if they agree with me or not. But in all honesty that does not matter. I have discovered that now. That my goal was never to be understood by the world but by the few people I care enough to share what it feels like to see the world through my pair of boring, brown eyes.

Then isn’t it stupid for me to run a public blog when the obvious way to achieve what I really wanted is through personal communication? Well, I guess, but the more attached I am to someone, I find it harder to express to them my real thoughts. Especially the controversial ones I keep hidden. Also, I must say, putting my heart out on my sleeve isn’t something I am particularly good at.

Writing here is easy and between the two paths diverging ahead of me, I choose the easier one. As much as I know everyone who reads this are human, I do not put an identity on any of you, no faces attached to the views I get everyday. I am detached from you. So, I do not care what are your perceptions of me after you have done reading what I decide to tell you.

What I could do instead is maybe start a project like one of my friends have done. She writes letters to all the people around her. Despite the fact that she never sends them, it still serves the purpose: She gets her thoughts cleared up and it is kept private. Maybe I should start one as well. And maybe unlike her, I should hand them to people when I feel like the time is right. And just maybe, you might have one with your name written in block letters (cause I cannot write cursive)on a worn envelope with dog ears on two out of the four sides.

As for now, I have taken off the link of my blog from my public accounts. The only ones who have access to this blog now are people who have visited it or people who stumble upon it after being on the wordpress reader and they aren’t many of them. So now, this becomes more personal to me, well at least as personal as a public blog can get and I feel more safe writing what I feel like writing.

Ps: Also, recently I was hanging out with my sisters and I asked if they have read my blog and they told me that they had but they could not really understand what I was saying. They said it was too poetic (in a bad way). If you agree with them please tell me. I guess I sound like I am trying too hard half the time. Have I? I am not really sure myself.

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Insights

There are a few issues I am currently having with the situation I am in and I feel (as I always do) that these issues are not as significant as they ought to be. It is just that when I do not organise them in my mind, they are left scattered like that pile of dirty clothes that always cover your bedroom floor, appearing even when I do not feel like dealing with it, leaving my mind in a constant state of mess.

As you will soon observe, there is a reoccurring theme in my thoughts, most of them are very idealistic, coming from a privileged point of view. But I would like to cut myself some slack. I am 21, living in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and I am very blessed to do what I love doing: learning. This is probably the only phase in my life where I can get away with having an ignorant, simplistic view of the world. The few years where I could grant myself as much attention I am able to give. The most appropriate time for me to challenge my views whenever I want or pack my fallible opinions in a box and tuck them away and comfort myself by not having to confront the fact that they are not sound arguments at all.

Most of the projects or challenges that I have decided to take on are mainly because I am trying to understand myself. I need to know what are my limits, what are the lengths that I would go to for certain things. But most importantly to discover what I enjoy doing and what I could see myself doing in the long run. I never see anything I pursue as my end game. In simple terms, I do everything for my own enjoyment, I do them to avoid being bored at having a routine life (and sometimes just to humor myself but lets not talk about that). So, when people assume these are all done to fill up the spaces on my CV or to ease my way into the path that I wish to pursue after university, they are all wrong. I must say all the work that comes with being involved is not worth the 20 words you are able to fit into your CV to impress people and that people do not even care if you add your positions on your Facebook profile.

So do not do things for reasons other than to learn. Do not do things for the purpose of being able to meet certain people. Do not pursue something for the sake of the perception people will have on you. These are part of the experience that you will obtain but they should never be the purpose you pursue them. This may seem selfish but you should never do anything other than what makes you feel ‘better’? (I would like to use the term happy but it does not sound quite right, I was thinking of something more along the lines of satisfaction). Only be a part of something that makes you want to do it even when you are not obliged to.

Also, there are so many things that I feel like I should have some level of desire for but I do not. And that worries me because I have this assumption that you are only an adult when you desire what adults desire. So if you do not, does that mean you are not at that level of maturity yet? It is funny how we associate maturity to adults when all they do is desire for things that they have created themselves, ideas that they construct and later promote them as the larger things in life that everyone should aim for. Easy for me to say as I have yet to experience ‘real life’ and the problems that comes with it. I guess one day I will become one of them, with a tunnel vision for the ugly shade of green on printed notes and a narcissistic view of myself. I wish I could opt out of this stage of life, but I reckon I will not be able to. I just hope I do not die in this state.

And as for dealing with people I despise, I prefer to avoid them. Nothing good comes whenever I come in contact with them. I either repress my feelings which I think is not healthy for me, or I end up them cursing them in my mind or vent out to other people (I try to avoid this as much as possible because my thoughts on people should never influence how others think of them, that is sabotage and I am not cool with that), both are not great options. So the only possible alternative is to just retract yourself. It’s a win-win situation really, you do not have to bear with the presence of simply unpleasant people and you save yourself some sins that you would have committed otherwise.

There are so many things I should be grateful for, one being the friends that I surround myself with. I do not know what I have done to be so blessed but the people that I keep with me right now, know that they are the only people I would ever need. There are about 10 that I have in mind and I do not think that there is a need to explicitly mention their names but I need to put it out there that these people are the people I live my life for. The reason why I need to be good, the people I want to be nice to because they deserve having someone who is able to provide them with whatever they need to be happy and I am striving to be just that.

And on love, I think I have always known this all along but I have just been able to put it in words recently. I think you only truly love someone once you realise that you would love them even if you are not required to. More importantly I feel that love does not equate to dependence. That you could always love someone without the constant need for them. Otherwise, wouldn’t it be wrong if I love someone because I need them, because my goal is survival and they are just a mean for me to achieve that? I want to be alive and independent and then would I only want someone I consciously make the decision to invest my feelings in? It is almost as if I am saying here, I have everything I could possibly need in my life and I could die happy but despite having everything, I would go to great lengths to have you in my life even if I could have just lived it perfectly fine by myself.

Look, I have an essay of 2000 words due next week and I am stressing myself out but I have written 1200 words here without breaking a sweat. Now this really makes me wonder if I am doing the wrong degree or if this is just 1k of bull. No surprise, I have been producing crap worthy essays for some time now, this is just one to add to the pile.

haha

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Woo Feminism Woo (Does it scare you?)

I am currently sat in a packed library in between people who are actually working productively (ex: the person next to me with library books taking up a good chunk of space on his desk) and I am not going to write much, I hope.

Feminism. A term feared by most men as it is understood as the movement of women trying to take over men’s rightful place in all possible realms but it really is not. And if you think it is, then you really are the problem because there is no ‘rightful place’ for any gender. There should not be a limit to what you can do or a limit in life you cannot fall under because of your gender.

It really is not all that daunting. Really.

And there are a few things I would like to say about feminism (at least what feminism is to me):

  • Feminism is not pushing that one girl in class forward just because you need to have some female representation or else it would not be a balance mix. Females are not an afterthought addition to anything. No one should be.
  • Feminism is about young, male refugees who are treated badly at borders because they are seen as dangerous while women and children are treated well because they are deemed weak. Why should there be a difference in treatment when both are in dire need for help?
  • Feminism is about rape cases involving female rapists that are not taken seriously because the rapist’s gender. Victims are victims all the same.
  • Feminism is not about bossy women in trousers. We do not want to be in trousers, we like our skirts and shorts and trousers and if we want to wear any of them, we can.
  • Feminism is about how lazy bums leave their dirty dishes to be washed by the female members of the house because it is their ‘duty’.
  • Feminism is when I am being told that I need to be polite because I am a women. Omg, where should I start with this, i dont know maybe, BEING POLITE IS SOMETHING EVERYONE SHOULD BE.
  • Feminism is about not degrading the choices of men just because it is not parallel to what most men do. Like deciding to be a stay-at-home dad or having a preference for rom-coms.
  • Feminism is about objecting the decisions of states resorting to military intervention every time just because they need to feed their ego of being big powers.
  • Feminism is acknowledging that male gendered roles are no greater than female ones. Doing household chores is not ‘lower’ than spending 9-5 in a gray cubicle. I am not lower than you because of my autonomous choice.
  • Feminism is not about women hating men for having different genital organs. It is not about you being male and me being female. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being either gender.
  • Feminism is about the Malaysian gymnast who made headlines, criticised for wearing a leotard but no one bats an eye at Muslim participants in body building competitions wearing nothing but underwear.
  • Feminism is about how female are told to not walk and talk the natural way we do but to act ‘rougher’ because men find it a distraction. The most absurd thing is that these are things that we cannot control. But never have you heard of women telling men to not roll their sleeves, push their hair back, to not wear suits or to shave just because we find it distracting.
  • Feminism is about how people think it is okay to sexualize men and make remarks about their body parts but be all offended when those remarks are about women.
  • Feminism matter because people keep saying no to violence towards women but neglecting violence towards men just because they could handle it.
  • Feminism is recognising that if I would like to achieve something, my gender will not be a hindrance and you will not give me that incredulous look and say ‘Really?’ or ‘You are going to go far because there are not many (insert gender) in that field.’

Uhoh, I just wrote more than I was supposed to. Sorry.

(I never meant for this to be a rant but I just cannot help it when it is something I strongly believe in, and I don’t usually have strong beliefs in anything. Please ignore how aggressive I sound, if i do. I swear I do not go around preaching to people about things I believe in. On the contrary, I never seem to be able to even share my opinions with others. I never have the guts to.)

 

 

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What type of shoes are you?

It is easy to hate the people you see on tv, the ones who take up spreads in magazines. You do not feel guilty pointing each flaw and provide non-constructing criticism, throwing words you would not dare to say to people around carelessly.

And you know why?

Because we do not see them as human beings. We view them as objects. Or maybe a hybrid of both, I do not know. It has never occurred that that person on the billboard have the same flaws as we do. We dismissed the fact that what has been to said to them is hurtful just because they are not there to hear those upsetting words. We completely forget to see them how we want others to see ourselves. It never registered that we are made of the same flesh and bones.

This happens to me as well.

That changes when I see them in person. Having them in the same room makes me understand that he is just like me. We have the same skin tone and his smile reminds me of my dad. His greying hair a sign of endless thinking and stacking problems and his touch was similar to the touch of all the other people I have touched. I expected a smooth, stiff material, for his limbs to click when he moves and technical problems to arise when he nears a microphone or a speaker. But of course that did not happen because he is human. Like me. Like everyone else in the room.

Because most of the time we think the shoes that fit us are the only shoes that exist and that the rest of them, the ones we have never seen are not considered shoes at all.

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There isn’t a title to this.

Disclaimer: To those uninterested in spending your time reading my attempt at ‘proper’ writing, please proceed to the end of this entry where I happily provide you with a direct summary of what this post should be about.

I’m forcing myself to write. Every word that comes out is deliberately squeezed out of my unwilling brain, fingers involuntarily pressing each key with much more force than necessary. A sudden pause. A rebellion of the mind as vocabularies are stopped from entering my consciousness leaving the tips of my calloused fingers hanging approximately an inch from the keys. I need to do this, I coax myself. Like the common phrase ‘there are things you don’t like that are good for you but you do not know’, this is one of them. But this time I know, I know that this is necessary, pivotal even for me to not have any regrets.

You see for once, I know what I want to do. Whether I can, whether it is even in my reach, we shall leave that to the higher hand to decide. But this desire to paint a picture without paint, to draw vivid imageries with only the monochromatic shades of white and black -although paper is now ‘buff’, not white and the black hue of ink is always debatable- is so potent in me it is beyond the angry, aggresive shade of red. It is the deepest, calmest shade of blue that should not be overlooked. It holds authority and is unambiguous. Never once does it flicker, remaining constant almost knowing that it will never be forgotten even if it’s ignored.

And I am not even close to revealing what it actually is but my heart has calmed in gratitude, a sigh of relief in between the never ending beats of life it drums every second. This is it, a story without a plot, just words thrown here and there with the aim to sound pretty in the heads of those who reads it -or to the ears if one prefers to read out loud-. This is what I’m good at, never finishing a well thought project, or rather focusing too much on the unnecessary that the centre which it’s supposed to be revolved around is lost. Please, view me as one who is intuitive rather than the true unorganised person that I constantly am.

An expected blankness blinds my usually adept thought process. It is often this way whenever I try to write conclusions because the only thing that truly matters from you reading this is not the temporal joy -or misery- this short entry brings but the message that I would like you to ponder on after the wasteful minutes you carelessly spend on me. If the writing does not last beyond the pages it lays stoically, the writer is not doing it right. And that is the thing about literature, it is the art of those who finds bliss in the darkness of their closed eye lids with letters and words -even non words sometimes- as their palette as they dance to the rhythm of their own voice silently echoing from the corners of the almost spherical mind. There is never really a right or wrong in literature but one.

It’s 1.30am and i’m sleepy but I pushed myself to write this post because I’ve been dreading to write something. I think after trying many things, I have decided that writing is what I’d like to do for a living (most probably as a side income because writing alone is not sufficient to sustain my material wants). And I didnt really get to explain that I just need to channel all my thoughts onto something. About the ending, well, I really did have nothing to say to sum up the whole post. Basically, this post is just fragments of thoughts that I pulled out from the train rounding my head. 

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A relationship guru wannabe

I have a lot to say about relationships. But it’s difficult to make people take me seriously. Tell me, who would? A twenty-year-old girl who have never experienced anything outside her little bubble, the same person who is afraid at the idea of even meeting people. If she were to come and preach to me, I would roll my eyes (in my mind at least).

For example, I totally understand how people try to hate their exes or the people who have rejected them so that it’s easier to move on. Some even go to the extend of agreeing with the saying that if you can be friends with them, you still love them or you have never loved them in the first place. But it could be that you may have invested yourself less in the relationship relatively to other people making it easier to move on with your life. Personally for me, I refuse to let myself expect that a relationship is a given goal whenever you have feelings towards someone. The magnitude of my feelings towards a person wouldn’t affect how the other person feels, and I think many might forget that. In fact, we should decrease our expectation of the other person liking us back. Just lie back and be grateful that you are blessed with the ability to like or even love someone. It’s a pleasant ignorant bliss.

And shouldn’t relationships induce happiness? A friend told me that it’s worth going through rough times to be able to experience happy moments. Yes, but not till it becomes a rare occasion, as rare as a meteor shower. If one or both, of the parties are not happy, what is the point of being in a relationship? I’m not saying that it should be all roses and no thorns but there should just generally be more of the former than the latter. When the opposite happens, it’s wise to rethink the relationship.

Just my shallow, unexperienced two cents. Grab a coffee, look out the window and just enjoy the little things in life, like the ‘like’ the guy you fancy just gave you on instagram or the cyclist who just winked when he passed by.

image

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